When some people I'm not so close with offered their well-meaning thoughts about how I did my job ("Such a shame, it's a good career!" or "Ah, you young people are overreacting. What is working excessively when you're still young, eh?"), I only extended a polite smile in response. A nagging voice in me jumped in to agree, but the rational part told her to piss off and argued that they did not know what they were saying—the only person in my shoes was me.
I'm a hardcore INFJ-T, and from what I gathered, we turbulent advocates are not good at separating our self-worth from some negative feedback—or at least some of us aren't (me, me, me, guilty as charged). Constructive criticism is good, I agree, I need that from time to time, but while I see it as a paragon to follow in order to improve a particular aspect of myself, on numerous occasions, I will also regard this as a fault worth stressing over of mine. With that said, the previous commentaries, albeit somewhat expected, stung. I felt weak for quitting, for not being able to put up with whatever life threw at me. A little part of me wondered, should I stay to live up to the expectations of others? But at what cost?
Lucky me, the rational part trumped the idealistic one. I’m now starting a new role in an entirely new industry. For a shybie, surviving day one was a far cry from feeling like “It’s the Start of Something New”, an impossible benchmark invented by Gabriella Montez and Troy Bolton, I would say. It was a period of looking reserved while I actually had a lot to say; of looking quiet while I actually liked to talk.
It’s been almost a month of my doing this new job now, of trying to adapt and learn. And for the first time in so long, I feel genuinely… happy (it surprised me too, the first time the realization popped up in my head). I also start doing things I have longed to do for quite some time: starting my morning with no rush, going on a regular walk, being a member of a library nearby, creating a legacy that matters to me, and so on. It's funny how I was once afraid that this new lifestyle would make me feel lonely. Forget boys and love. I now have so many things I plan to do that it overwhelms me.
New place, new start, new hope. In the name of slow living, I'm savoring each moment of this three-month probation period. Whichever news December will bear, whether I will be a permanent addition to the team or have to hunt for a new job, I will always be grateful for the window this place has provided me with. For the first time, I know that I have choices and the freedom to choose.
I have hope.
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